On The Flip Side

So some of the feedback on one of my previous articles came from a man who asked that I inspect the flip side of the ‘Beijing’ notion of 50/50 gender equity.

Damsels in Distress published in the Swazi News on November 14, 2015 focused on calling out the men who take advantage of the so-called independent woman, the dead-beat baby daddys and husbands who short-change women by neglecting their responsibilities.

That article was also a call to action; encouraging women who find themselves tied to such men to lose the shackles, as my observation is that some of us women get so caught up in keeping up with the Jones’ that we cover up for these undeserving losers and subsequently get ourselves into deeper trouble – debt and depression - because women will always hustle to keep their household in order. 

But as with everything else, there is a flip side as rightly pointed out by the reader and I have also raised this in other platforms before. We, the women of today are at times equally no good to the deserving men.

I remember growing up my father was that guy that didn’t have to speak about the same thing more than once for you to get the message. And when I say ‘speak’ it doesn’t mean he always communicated in words – he had these looks that would disarm lions into thinking they were a lost chihuahua.

Value of The Self-Made Man

One of the things he told me once, after he heard me tell my high school buddies; ‘When you come to my house…’ was that, ‘No, you do not have a house child, the house is mine. Even the things in this house, they are all mine including the phone I see you now receive calls from [insert suitable ‘look’].Just like this car, it’s mine.’

After this rude awakening, he would add that we shouldn’t worry because we would have all these things and more ourselves, only if we complete our education and leave his house and wife alone to himself.

On another day, he would tell the story of how he’d worked hard all his life to have all the things he had. He almost didn’t go to school. His father had over 30 children and my father was one of the last borns. So by the time his turn to go to school came, his father would tell him that he’s done wasting his money on education.

My father was devastated. Most of his elder brothers at that time had dropped out of school to work in the Transvaal, South Africa mines.

One of them was still in school but was inspired by his mineworker brothers and so he offered that my father take his place at school whilst he headed for Ntrasfane. They negotiated this with mkhulu and my father eventually started his grade one at the age of 16 years.

It was not going to be an easy ride though because mkhulu was becoming increasingly disinterested in education so he eventually announced to my father that he doesn’t have money anymore for that nonsense called school fees.

And so my father had to turn to tending people’s gardens and yards for small change that he used to put himself through school, all the way to secondary school, his highest educational qualification.

Leaders for Leaders: 50/50

It would seem his days as a gardener prepared him well for his destiny – he was to eventually be among the top 50 managers at Ubombo Ranches in Big Bend – working to train farmers in Siphofaneni during his last few years with the company that he spent a few decades with. 

A company in which he influenced so many changes that benefited the families of those working for it, like building schools.

I’m not lying when I say he didn’t tell this story more than once. And we got it. Well, at least some of us did. 

Through his life story and his support to us as a father, we learned both the importance and the value of education, the value of family and community, the value of hard work, the value of self-worth and the value of being purposeful for the progress of the larger community.

Where am I going with this? My point is that some of us women seem to forget that men are self-made. We seem to be ignorant of what they may have gone through to get that car that we easily demand they possess or judge them for if we think it’s not flashy or big enough.

It’s a common thing in this country that I first became aware of during my teenage days at the University of Swaziland, where my peers would unashamedly state the package of the kind of man they want to date or nothing.

 

Women speak of an ideal guy who has the big flashy car, the money, the house, the nice clothes, and the book smart and street smart sapiosexual. 

And really, there’s nothing wrong with having standards like these but the problem comes when as a woman you cannot offer the same to your man.

You have to be able to give what you demand. That is leadership. We should never feel entitled to other people’s individual accomplishments and visions.

The truth is men also need inspired women – sisters, lovers, baby mamas, friends etc. Mama Graça Machel didn’t just happen to Tata Nelson Mandela like a weekend cabinet minister job happened to David Van Rooyen. 

We cannot come with just our pretty faces and curves like maybe we are as great and inspiring as Jan Sithole with our 27 demands?

 If this reflects you sister, please know that you are delaying us; delaying the Beijing agenda, and delaying these progressive men and the general global progressive agenda. Stop yourself.