Our Lethal Pull Her Down Syndrome

The other morning, on a Saturday, I was minding my own bae business and preparing to water my lawn and veggie garden when I heard a voice greet me in a whisper. It came from my neighbor’s balcony. So I looked up and hesitantly acknowledged her greeting and stayed gazed at her to say ‘What do you want?’

She starred back, hurriedly looked sideways and to the horizon, over her shoulder and then back at me. This time my facial expression was in capital letters “What do you want FROM ME?”

 She repeated the same indecisive body movements. I was confuzzled – firstly neighbors in this part of the world don’t greet neighbors just for the just... nje! We don't have time. Secondly, I consider greetings by strangers a nuisance. 

So, you can imagine how at that moment I was hating my nameless neighbor (I honestly don’t know her name) for disturbing my emotions with her rubbish greeting.

As I carried on with my chores, she whispered again. This time it was worse because she’d added the word ‘Sisi’...ugh!

'Sisi please call the police for me', she whispered with a calm nervousness. I asked, 'Why?'. She bowed her head slightly to show me a patch on her head, ‘Can you see? he pulled out my hair. He's pulling out my hair’.

I quickly sign languaged her to say I’d do as she’d requested and went inside to call the cops. I returned moments later and signaled her that all was on track. She sign language thanked me quick. 

In the background behind her I could hear a man’s voice steady demanding answers to basic questions; ‘Why did you run out of the car when you saw me coming? Why? Just tell me why because..’. I immediately switched off because my threshold for such misogynistic BS is zero.

Take a stand

When I returned to the house I narrated the whole story to Proud. Proud is the young lady who comes in on request to help us with the ironing and house cleaning. She was all sorts of annoyed at the neighbor; “Ubizela indoda amaphoyisa. Uyahlanya yini?” (Is she seriously calling the cops on her man? Is she mad?”

Me: “Urm…” [I wasn’t sure where she was going with this].

“Indoda ayibizelwa amaphoyisa. Indoda uyayishaya strong! Nishayane nize nikhathale. Uyabona la? (as she pointed to a scar on her jawline), yangiluma indoda yami sishayana strong! Sengiyihlula. Siyashana ke futhi” (Translation: You do not call the cops on your man; you fight him back to the bitter end. You see this scar? My man bit me during a fight in which I was winning. We fight frequently).

I honestly hadn’t seen this one coming. So I was just like “But Proud!”

I was utterly bewildered. She was equally shocked when I told her; “With me, if you dare put your hands on me it would be the first and last time...it's over – and that’s definitely via police station and magistrate court.  I don’t care if the trial goes on for a year or if the docket eventually grows feet as is often the case. Thereafter, you do not exist; I will ignore you until you even start to doubt your own existence.”

Proud: “Sisi, usho kuthi awubekezeli? Mosi uzom’khumbula? Mina ngiyabekezela. Ngazitjela nje ukuthi ngihlala nehlanya. Losisi lona nje ebusuku naye uzobe ajola futhi nayo lendonda yakhe ayibizele amaphoyisa” (So, you’re not a patient woman for your man? But you'll miss him whilst he’s in jail? Myself, I’m stay because I long told myself that my man is a juvenile crazy man. This neighbor of yours…at night she will be with the same man on whom she's called the cops.”)

I silently digested all that this woman had just said. You see, Proud spoke with so much conviction and authority over her situation and the subject in general it was difficult not to admire her. In fact, for a moment there, she may have had me doubt my own views.  LOL! But seriously, when I compared Proud to the woman I had encountered outside on the balcony, Proud was the winner for me.

I share Proud's views to a certain extent - I will also not be a bystander to bullying of any form. Never! Where I differ with Proud is making such brutality a part of my lifestyle, in the name of love. 

What I admired though is that she has a definitive personal stand on this subject.

Proud sounded like she's always known how she would react to a violent lover - perhaps she's learnt that along the way of her life. So Proud will not exhaust her neighbors’ energies or state resources on matters that she is committed to resolving herself.

Self-Sabotage vs. Self-Love

The lady on the balcony on the other hand… I mean, I couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but even when I went inside to make the call to the cops on her behalf, I could sense that she’s at step 1 of doing what the police always complain about - what makes them end up refusing to take statements from women who report violence by their male partners.

The police arrived within minutes and spent hours and hours with the couple. At this point I really wasn’t interested because I knew this meant my earlier hunch and Proud’s sentiments about this woman’s situation were accurate. When she came to thank me later that evening, her weave was back flowing like Princess Sofia’s hair. Her man had driven with her to the salon to get it fixed. She still lives with him.

I’m sharing this experience because next week Swaziland joins the world in rolling-out the annual awareness campaign of 16 days of activism against gender-based violence.  Often, messages from this campaign are targeted at men – demanding them to STOP hitting us, raping us, killing us and generally hurting our dignity as women. 

I support this messaging and I wish it would actually call men out according to their professions for instance, and not just ‘men’ – so that even the raping lawyer and architect, the physically abusive cabinet minister, molesting pastor and teacher etc. can find it hard to dismiss such personal messaging.

Furthermore, I encourage you my sisters – young girls and women to always know who you are. This will help you know where you stand not just on relationships but world matters too. 

You must know, even when you’re not in a romantic relationship what your stance on gender-based violence is, and what you would do if ever faced with it – this is what I tell my favorite niece. Tati. Titsandze. (Know your strength. Love yourself). We can’t be instigating the PhD (pull her down) syndrome on ourselves.

If you are currently in a violent relationship, I can’t say I know what you’re going through or why you are going through it, but please, try and get out – you can still restore your dignity – you can ‘start living from your power and not your brokenness’ as Iyanla Vanzant rightly puts it. 

And you know you are powerful, as a woman and as a human being. Womandla! Viva that.