Damsels In Distress

I know, I should be joining the rest of the region in dedicating all my energies to praying for the rains to fall and end this devastating drought, but I can’t. I have to get his off my chest first because it’s of equal national importance and urgency.

Here’s the thing; it’s either men cannot count or women had no business taking Additional Mathematics lessons in high school because now we’re not in sync when it comes to adding a simple sum based on only two numbers - 50/50.

The other day my friend went to the movies with her children. She came back mad. As hell. Mad because her lover of two weeks had invited himself to the outing and the end result was my friend exceeding her budget for the evening.

She had never before experienced such a man - a man who not only expected her to pay for his movie ticket and pizza but also had the audacity to invite himself knowing full well that he would not pay for his entertainment… even when requested to do so. And this is a grown man with gainful employment.

“I can’t have someone in my life that will leave me worse off than when I’m alone with my children. I seriously don’t understand how you ladies have kept doing this, please explain, in detail” she demanded of me.

I was the right person to have this question posed at because I have, a few times in my life, allowed myself to support not just a man’s livelihood but his lifestyle as well. I’m probably one of few women who will publicly admit to doing this and yet we all know of a handful of women whose life is about the twisted end of ‘behind every successful man is a strong woman’.

We’re overdoing it ladies. In fact we are doing it the wrong way.  I’m particularly worried about women who are married to men who are only there for the ‘parenting by event’ duties as my friend Nomahlubi calls it.

Yes, some husbands and baby daddies are only available for the big show -- the baptisms, family photo shoots, birthdays, selfies and occasional Sunday church services and nothing more. And these are just the lucky ladies. You see, some of these husbands and baby daddies permanently abscond their responsibilities as co-parents and life partners even though they spend each waking moment in the same house as their family.

Causing Damage

And we the women live through it all. Some, maybe most women, will even make sure to hide all of this behind the scenes distress… opting to rather get themselves into debt via bank overdraft, credit cards and loans just to be seen to be doing well with dearest hubby – especially if the dear husband is a high profile individual.

Yes, even the high profilers, including pastors, lawyers, judges, soccer players, TV/Radio personalities etc. are defaulters when it comes to depositing into the family love bank. I don’t know if in 2015 I should even be thinking of blaming our behavior as women in this regard on society’s expectations of women and marriage.

Beijing freed us?  This 1995 UN declaration was the coming to fruition of over 50 years of attempts to put into action principles of equality between men and women; it was about emancipating the woman and a call to action for our men.

But no! We women have re-colonized ourselves by allowing our male partners, our husbands to get away with such treachery. We tolerate things from our men that we wouldn’t allow our siblings, friends and even parents to put us through.

There’s really nothing wrong with helping our husbands or boyfriends with anything including finances. This is the reason why two people (or five if you are President Jacob Zuma) get together in the first place – to help each other go through life with a little more ease because emehlo lamabili ayabonisana (two eyes are better than one) and tandla tiyagezana (each hand washes the other).

Sharing responsibilities with someone is a beautiful thing and brings much-needed peace of mind.

However, if you are the only one giving all of yourself to eventually find that you have nothing left to give to yourself, there’s everything wrong.

If you find yourself always turning down get-togethers with your girlfriends because you’re avoiding having to talk about a life that’s a lie when time comes to talk about our homes, then there is everything wrong.

When your lies make you hide even from your own parents and siblings, then it’s time to stop and recollect your strength girlfriend. When your prayer item at church and at every home cell meeting is for a request and not gratitude prayer for your marriage, it’s time to get real with yourself. And with your man. The solutions lie in your individual truth.

We have to realize that our actions are making our men weaker which means they make weak fathers and if (or is it because) our children eventually see these dynamics at play; they in turn will be weak farts, rebellious and disrespectful to their fathers.

We really shouldn’t be surprised with the look and texture of our future men because we are sowing rubbish seeds. Unreciprocated support to a man does not make him successful. It makes him irresponsible and even reckless.

Man up!

As for you men – you have abused the ‘50-50’ that Beijing encouraged ‘...in the interest of all humanity’ as point 3 of the declaration reads.

You men tell me; how does it feel to prance the neighborhood with fraudulent street cred? How does it feel to participate in churches activities and work spaces with false clout? Does it make you proud that we have to resort to courts to remind you to contribute financially towards your children’s basic needs? That a whole state must threaten to blacklist you first before you honor your children?

Must we now also ask the courts to legally bind you to commit time to play with your children at least once a week? Do you think we even have time to be going to court instead of focusing on earning an income that will pay the bills you won’t?

Do you family clan appreciate your wife’s tearful tales of your incompetence as a human being? Do you think your children will gift you the ‘Daddy of the Year’ coffee mug for finishing all the food (that you didn’t buy) while failing to engage their development?

Where is your leadership at home dear dead-beat husband/father? 50-50 merely calls for this – equal and inspiring leadership. Even buntfu betfu aka Ubuntu is about showing leadership and compassion in all spaces we occupy, whether we are men or women. Asingadojani madoda! Please.