Stuck on Strong

By Vumile Mabusela

The passing of Kwaito music icon Mandoza has brought to the fore many great life lessons as narrated in this column last week- agreed. 

But as we all know, we constantly exist within two extreme worlds; for every positive there’s a counter that must be explored, that’s just how nature continues to work. And so as nature would have it, the death of the man Mandoza raised the issue of the opposite sex - a woman’s role in a romantic relationship.

Reacting to Mandoza’s funeral, I found that many people, especially on social media, were hailing praise at Mpho, the late legend’s wife, for her perseverance and sticking it out to the bitter end. 

Phrases like ‘Umfazi wamampela’ (real wife/woman) and ‘We need more women like her’, were making rounds and even getting retweeted and liked a trillion times over by both men and women. 

This had me thinking; ‘Is a woman’s strength defined by how much hubby-manufactured bile she can swallow in a relationship? If yes, what does this say about the strength of a man then – what defines it? Is it the complete opposite end of the spectrum?

Mandoza’s infidelity in this marriage is an open secret; long alcohol and drug-fuelled nights out with the boys and the girls (which Mandoza himself sings about) and now Mpho is admired because she stood by her husband throughout this recklessness? 

It’s another undisguised secret that for years Mpho stood tall and firm with a very sick and broke Mandoza, a man that never gave up his old habits even at his lowest. It’s admirable, I must say. 

Those who say she is one in many are correct because quite frankly, none of the women I know and trust would do a Mpho, married or not. People call Mandoza a lucky man for having a loyal and trustworthy wife in his short life. What do I say? I applaud Mpho…loudly! Would I do what she did? Hell no!

What’s being weighed?

Mpho is a ‘strong woman’ and every woman apparently should be. Before I throw stones at any glass house, seeing as I’m in one myself, I’d like to find out why exactly people see Mpho’s actions as those of a ‘strong woman’. 

Staying with a man who openly has extra-marital affairs and even father’s a child in the process, makes you strong? How so?  Why must a woman’s strength be measured by how much crap she can take from her man? 

If the assumption  is that the more crap a woman takes from a man makes her real, even strong and marriage material; then it only follows that the more crap a man dishes out, the more manly they are...no? Think about it.

Why can’t I be a strong woman when I walk away from anything that no longer serves me? Does walking away make me disloyal and weak? Does it make me less of a woman or even mean I love my partner any less? I don’t think so. 

In fact I think, contrary to popular belief, walking away takes much. I will not dwell much on why women like Mpho stay with men like Mandoza because I have no experience there and I’m no relationship expert either but I have walked away from similar crap and I know it’s hard. 

It’s so much easier to just stay and convince yourself things will change or even blame his behaviour on the extended family, friends or even his employer; all the while basking in his glorious masculine abuse.

Balancing Strong Scales

Let’s consider turning the tables around for a minute; on a scale of gender equity to justice, is a man’s strength also defined by how much crap he takes from his female partner? I didn’t think so. 

In fact society portrays it as a weakness for a man to take even the slightest hint of crap from his woman. Think Winnie and Nelson Mandela.

Ndozin may have loved his woman and done anything for her yeah, he was one lucky dude. I just hope he died knowing this because Mpho knows she loved him through thick and thin. I will never know the dynamics of their relationship and the reasons she stayed. 

It does disturb me though that we didn’t even give Mpho a chance to tell us if ‘strong woman’ is how she would describe herself against the backdrop of the life she lived with Mandoza. So let’s go easy on the labels and leave it up to the woman...yeah?

And as we praise Mpho, we should actually ask ourselves exactly what are we indirectly endorsing with this praise and why? What does our individual endorsement say about each of us. 

Yes, look at your (re)tweet and back at yourself and back at the tweet and back at you again. What you see there; does it say it’s perfect for a man to be philandering as long as he has a ‘strong woman’? 

Are we saying do as you please Mr Man, just make sure it’s with a ‘strong woman’ who can take it. What is strength and how is it weighed?