Pastor Bakhe Is Parenting In A Modern Stone Age

In a previous column I remember suggesting that people of my generation ought to have had ‘Step Parenting’ as part of their schooling syllabus; to prepare us for the reality we now face as middle-aged adults. 

Clearly, I was jumping the gun. Judging from the response to Pastor Bakhe Dlamini’s publicized photographs of him piggy-backing his child. It’s clear that we ought to have had just simple “Parenting” and “Leadership” as schooling subjects. I mean...what Stone Age era is this that would have people discredit another for going about his parenting duties?

I’m genuinely and thoroughly gobsmacked at the negative comments directed at Pastor Bakhe. Firstly, because I honestly and truly never imagined that anyone would fault such a responsible act. All this has left me wondering what we are as humans. What is so wrong about a person demonstrating Ubuntu towards another – his children and wife?

As this Times of Swaziland newspaper clip shows; Pastor Bakhe received some flak for publicly confronting gender roles, gender norms, gender stereotypes and attitudes towards marriage. But why? 

‘Normal’ Parenting

I may be sounding dramatic to some but that’s because I’m seriously failing to fathom how positive parenting can be dismissed so flippantly. Maybe it’s because for many years I’ve believed that being a present parent, especially a father, is ‘normal’. 

When I was a kid myself, we lived with a Mozambican family that had escaped the civil war in their country. There’s nothing the patriarch of this family wouldn’t do for and with his children that his two wives did – cook, carry and bathe them etc. 

My father too; as scary and strict as we his children and many other people in our community believed him to be, was also that guy who came home everyday at 12noon – and I mean E.VE.RY.DAY since I was in primary school -  to cook so that we had food when we returned from school. This he did after picking up his grandchildren from crèche and tucking them into bed for their afternoon nap before heading back to work in the fields of that organic oven called Big Bend and then later to my school to pick me up.

It’s the same for most homes in the rural areas, at least from where I come. It’s not unusual to see fathers carrying their children on their backs or feeding them. In fact, recently when I was visiting home, it came to me like I was seeing it for the first time; that most children here have fathers. 

Yes, most of these fathers have little to material to give and barely afford the basics at time but they are very much present in each and every day of their children’s lives. Duh you may think. But uh-uh, not quite. I mean, I grew up here so I should have always noticed this. 

Maybe I just took it for granted. Perhaps it’s become so pointed an observation because firstly, I no longer have a father and secondly because my son has a father who opts in and out of his parenting responsibilities at will – being physically present for his child or that odd phone call is a chore that even the mighty courts of the land have so far not succeeded in compelling him to do.

So, you can imagine how incomprehensible it is to me that people think that a father who’s present at the earliest stage of his child’s life does so because he’s been bewitched (Udlisiwe). 

What would the comment be then if he was an unmarried father? Would he maybe be the sexiest dad alive because single dads seen with their bambinos at the school parent’s meeting or at the mall are not only ‘ncooooh’ but also seen to be responsible and positive role models? 

Would the young Pastor maybe be the model dad if he opted to strap his child on his front in the as-advertised-on-TV Baby Carrier aka fancy imbeleko or Baby Pram instead of using a basic towel or kanga? I bet he’d be “totes adorbs” if that was a picture of hims running the Comrades Marathon while pushing a baby pram.

Leadership : Walk Your Talk

Probably the funniest comment – not funny hahaha – is the one alleging that Pastor Bakhe shared this part of his life as a publicity stunt aimed at promoting/selling his book titled “The Good Man” (yes, I’ll give him my usually paid-for PR for free because purposeful and inspired people like him deserve it). 

In siSwati the term Pastor is ‘Umfundisi’, it’s self- explanatory so why should he not promote content that he’s identified as good lessons to preach to human beings who want to be great at being humane?

Are we that unaccustomed to great leadership that we fail to recognize it even when it pokes us in the eye? I’m not even a Christian and have no intentions of being one but I so understand Bakhe’s role in Christianity and in broader society. 

It is clear too that he understands this position of influence in our society so why should he not persistently and deliberately work at fulfilling it? After all leadership is about that – it is deliberate, purposeful, visible, self-aware, decisive, brave, confident, transparent, visionary, unrelenting, leads by example and even narcissistic because one must be self-aware in order to stand out to make a difference and be the difference. We all have that choice; if we want to lead we can lead in our own little or big spaces.

One more leadership trait that Pastor Bakhe demonstrates is being innovative with the way he chooses to reach his audiences. He’s taking advantage of the available internet of things to not only preach but also engage people on what he believes in. What’s stopping you? Nawe udlisiwe perhaps? Stuck in the Stone Age much?

Pastor Bakhe’s Verbatim Facebook Post below:

Oops, daughter just asked me to carry her on my back; it's something she occasionally asks me to do. Her mum is asleep, I put her to bed-rest when she returned from work; she was feeling tired, so, I cooked today's dinner. According to #African_culture (see 2nd image) it's women that carry children on their backs, take care of them. It's a bit of, if not quite some taboo for a man to do such. Today, at church office, I counseled 2 separate couples that are getting married. I told them that marriage is #a_contract entered into by only 2 people. If married, do marriage your way. Fear not your community, culture, parents. Be led by love. In my culture, when a man does what I did today on this picture, it is said he has been bewitched by his wife. We'll, I'm not bewitched. I'm driven by love, have fun each day. I don't even fear that some may feel such an image is bad for my pastoral image. I think it's best people know that when we get home, we not pastors, bishops; but dads, sweethearts/companions, sons/daughters. A blessed eve to you :)
#The_Good_Man , not just a book, but a movement of goooooood men. Good men still exist.